
Netflix's Martha documentary charts the rise and fall of American businesswoman and lifestyle guru Martha Stewart
Therapist Elaine Benardout explores what the documentary tells us about the cost perfectionism
Perfectionist: noun: a person who wants everything to be perfect and demands the highest standards possible.
"I am a perfectionist – it runs in the family and it started with my father". After watching Netflix's Martha documentary, 'demanding the highest standards possible’ certainly seems a fitting description of the American businesswoman and media star Martha Stewart.
Watching her life and decades-long career documented was insightful and engaging, especially from a psychotherapy viewpoint. Particularly revealing were Martha’s perceptions of the drivers of her success and what gave her any sense of fulfilment. Striving for perfection meant she couldn’t rest until she attained it.
Her adult behaviours and thoughts appeared strongly influenced by her early years – a pattern that therapists regularly see with their clients. How we have been programmed to perceive the world around us is in part influenced by our nurturing years.
In Martha’s case, she was conditioned by her father to aim for perfection – nothing else was good enough. She became his ideal daughter, dutifully listening and learning from him. In turn he trusted and favoured her. She could experience his conditional love and feel valued.
Conversely, in not conforming to his expectations, she would experience his meanness and punishment.
Rather than benefitting from unconditional love and acceptance, Martha’s sense of worth was based on following explicit instruction as to what standards were expected. This critical style of parenting would likely feed into a low sense of self-esteem.
So we see in her subsequent behaviour, a determination to ‘perfectly’ succeed in all her endeavours – from marriage to friendships to home-making.
In admitting that she didn’t find fulfilment as a mother or in her marriage, some of those conditioned values and beliefs play out. Often, unrealistic beliefs lead to unrealistic values and behaviours.
She revealed introjected messages from her early years that feelings were not to be indulged – perhaps for fear of disappointment? “There was not a lot of affection – it was a practical household”. It was clear that her focus was goal-oriented, with a drive to achieve her standards of perfection – in turn feeding her strong sense of purpose and achievement. Indeed, she could appear on occasion to demonstrate little concern for the feelings of others.
Her impressive determination, performance and business success were driven by a ‘need to do‘ and an extremely high level of personal resilience. By her own admission, she enjoyed the ‘doing’ rather than the ‘feeling’.
She seemed propelled to go forward towards undefined or possibly unattainable goals. In this way her measure of success became immeasurable, impossible to acknowledge when she reached it.
Was she acting from a place of desire and purpose or simply trying to fill a void by keeping busy and striving for perfection?
Failing was not an option. Perhaps unsurprisingly, therapists regularly see a fear of failure in perfectionists. Perfectionists harbour high expectations and are often very fearful that they won’t live up to their own unrealistically high standards.
Fears can be heightened where self-esteem is low as the individual lacks a healthy sense of self-worth. In Martha we saw her worth tied up in a belief system centred around how perfect she could be.
What she couldn’t control drove her crazy. She claimed not to ‘revel in self pity’. With the breakdown of her marriage, we witness her loss of control. Rejection would inevitably hit her hard, resulting in her demonstrating distressing behaviours. Initially desperate and apologetic, then threatening and attention-seeking.
Might that fear have driven her to avoid any obstacles that could get in her way of success? Fear of failing puts pressure on us in an unhealthy way. The fear becomes greater than the reality. What are we shying away from?
Her subsequent downfall and incarceration were her greatest fears realised. She had to give up the control that she held onto for so long. For her, this was worst thing that could have happened. She was adversely exposed, in an uncontrolled way.
Unwittingly perhaps, she experienced opportunities in her perceived failure and pain. Viktor E. Frankl (psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor) in his book Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything, suggests that suffering can act as a catalyst for personal growth. Difficult experiences can refine our values, strengthen our resolve, and ultimately contribute to a more meaningful life. Further, Dr Rose (Professor of Clinical Psychology at Pepperdine University) believes our greatest wounds can become our greatest opportunities for growth.
Martha’s wounding resulted in her letting go of the values and expectations of her younger self. In some ways, she was set free by her incarceration. In fact, she became dedicated to helping other women work and achieve a sense of purpose in prison, which was an interesting change of direction. Her troubles helped her embrace a new message: “Imperfections are a little more okay than when I was younger. I can deal with imperfection now!”
To conclude, the question is whether perfection is attainable and if so at what cost? How will we even know we have even arrived there?
In exploring a person’s self-limiting beliefs and unhealthy thinking patterns, therapy can help to change the narrative and create positive change in our client's lives.
After all, our worth comes from ‘being’ rather than from ‘what you are’ or ‘what you do.’ We are human beings, not human doings.
Elaine Benardout is a Welldoing therapist in London, N3